Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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