loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize