i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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