Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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