and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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