I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
