If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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