Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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