I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
