I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
