we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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