if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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