I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
