I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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