he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
