she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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