The maid of honor just puked.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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