I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
