Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
