I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
