My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno