Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Randomize
