It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
