Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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