At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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