Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
