when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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