Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
