And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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