I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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