in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
