smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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