remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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