Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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