shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
