Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
