I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
