Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
