Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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