WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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