Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Who died my cat blue again?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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