Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
