i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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