so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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