I wanna passion pit in your ass
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
