i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
