So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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