I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
