I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
