My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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