I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Where are you guys?
Drunk
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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