need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
