my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
