This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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