My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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