just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
